No, don't gloat over me
Though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again
Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light
I will be patient
As the Lord
Punishes me
For the wrongs I've done
Against Him
After that
He'll take my case
Bringing me
To light and to justice
For all I have suffered
This is a piece from the song "Equally Skilled" by Jon Foreman, the lead singer of Switchfoot. Its from his new album Fall and Winter, which is apparently a solo project. Its a great album being low key and mostly acoustic, which is something I really, really like, especially when combined with a song that actually says something worth saying. Well, the song "Equally Skilled" is taken from Micah 7, the part above correlating to verses 8 and 9.
I listened to this tonight several times as I just bought it today. I have to get in on my employee discount at least one more time before I drive off to Kansas City. During the listening I pretty much just couldn't stop crying for awhile. Some songs do that to me because the truth in them kinda go in the side door bypassing my mind and hitting my heart. So, after listening I decided to sit and see what could be revealed about why I was crying, and why these lyrics were affecting me so. Now, anyone that knows me will know that my past 5 or so years, give or take, have not been the best. Even in the great times there was a lot of hurt and strife and darkness. In fact, if you do know me you're probably tired of hearing me talk about it. Well, please allow me to mention it once more.
Obviously the song affected me because I could very much relate to the sentiment, because I feel like I've suffered a lot. It also affected me because I know that God is going to give me back for all I have suffered and lost. I was content with that and began to sort of pack up my stuff and leave to go make dinner. But the Holy Spirit stopped me. I knew by the hitch I was feeling inside that not everything had been said, or perhaps more importantly, not everything had been received. So, I sat for awhile longer and just listened. I picked up my Bible and asked the Lord if there was one verse that he really wanted me to have. I opened directly to Psalm 119:137 "Righteous are you, O Lord, and right are your rules". I brushed it aside in my mind because I've opened to this many times and it didn't really mean much to me. Then it hit me. The Lord has been right to allow the suffering of the past years in my life.
Ugh, that's when I really cried. What had I done to deserve such suffering? The part of the song that had really been hitting me was, "I will be patient as the Lord punishes me for the wrongs I've done against him". So what wrongs had I done? Hopefully what I'm about to say doesn't get to confusing. It makes sense in my head but that doesn't always transfer to paper. God has every right to judge me and punish me for what I've done against him. The past few years, my very aim in life, my very goal was in a direction he didn't want to go and that ultimately was not of him at all. Its not that I've been doing bad things, but just that by not accepting God's best for my life, what he's created me for, I actually end up working against him. That's right folks, sometimes our good intentions toward ministry, and even our great ideas, dreams, plans and visions of what it should be are directly opposed to the heart of God, and the desire of God for our lives. So I've been punished, because through the punishment I've come to see just how much wrong I have done against him.
What all of it was about tonight, all the crying and such, was that I'd never come to the place of really admitting that God was right to let me suffer like he has. I've been angry in my very bones for the way things have gone and the crap I've had to see and know. And I'd never admitted to myself that maybe God was justified in doing what he was doing. Funny the way that works.
So, in the aftermath of coming to that place of humiliation of realizing that the application of suffering I've experienced in the past few years was actually the good and righteous thing to do in the face of my disobedience, I asked the Jesus for some hope. And he gave me Isaiah 49:1-7, but especially verse 4. "But I said, 'I have labored in vain; I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity; yet surely my right is with the Lord, and my recompense with my God'". I've felt very much lately that the paste in some ways has been a waste. Now don't email me or call me about how this great thing happened or whatever, I know there's been a lot of good. But I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity. Trust me, I'm in here with myself and I know what I've spent myself on. hehehe. So it brings me great joy to know that God does not judge his people without restoring them, and that he never asked me to die this way without always promising me there would be a resurrection.
So the word I'm focusing on is recompense. That the Lord is going to somehow pay me back for all I have suffered, even though it was my own wrongs that led to it. That he has the love that would give me great blessing for my suffering, even though it was my own rebellious heart that made the judgment necessary in the first place. And that despite the fact that I've spent my strength on vanity, his mercy and grace is going to catch me up for those wasted times. Wow!
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